When it comes to sex addiction there’s typically a cycle that occurs and it looks like this:
- Compulsive thoughts
- Acting out
- Regret
- Numb
- Trigger
- Acting out
Like with any addiction, acting on the thoughts, in this case, having sex, releases dopamine which is the chemical in your brain that makes you feel good. Yes, that happens to most people when they have sex but the difference is, is that there’s a compulsion to always have that feeling. So it’s like how some people can drink a glass wine and not be an alcoholic. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not something you did or didn’t do, it’s not will power, it’s just how your brain is. And the way to get around it is by changing the way your brain thinks about sex.
Overcoming sex addiction isn’t just about stopping sex. There’s so much more that goes into it and that’s what this course is about. Not only are you going to focus on changing the way you think about sex but you are also going to have to focus on other areas of your life. Figuring out how you got this place to begin with, taking care of your physical and mental health and also retraining your brain so that you can have healthy relationships that don’t revolve around sex.
So while you are progressing through course I want you to think about how you can start retraining your brain about how you think about sex and why changing your behavior is going to be important. . The first thing you can do in your journal is answer these questions:
- What are the disadvantages of my behavior?
- Ie: takes up too much time, unhealthy relationships, costs too much money etc.
- What are the benefits to me changing my behavior?
- Ie: increase productivity
- What are the disadvantages to me continuing my behavior?
- Ie: I continue to feel bad about myself
So the way we talk to ourselves is powerful. Our internal dialogue. The stories we tell ourselves really shape our thoughts, feelings and actions. Now is the time to dig deep into your mind and anytime you have a thought about sex, do your best to refocus that thoughts. Not necessarily ignored but rephrasing is a way to retrain your brain.
For example, you might currently say to yourself I have a high sex drive and having sex is what I do. So instead you could say: My old pattern was dangerous and an old habit. I don’t have to do that. I am learning to have healthier sexual relations and rebuild the quality relationships that I care about.
I am scumbag and the only way I’m satisfied is if I can get people to do what I want.
To: It’s not my fault my brain is wired like this. I am strong because I am now taking the steps needed to improve my
Who here will have sex with me?
To: I’m here for a purpose other than having sex and so is everyone else.
Okay so as we progress through the course you might be wondering what the end goal is. Like you might be wondering will I ever have sex again? How often can I have sex? And so on.
So at first, we’re going to aim for 30 days of abstinence and we’ll talk about that a little later in the course when we talk about the first 30 days. But after that, it will fully depend on what type of relationship you are in.
If you are in a committed relationship then having sex with your spouse is a normal way to proceed but it will look a lot different. When you are in a committed relationship you must agree with your partner on how often you should have sex and yes there may be some compromise that needs to give. You may be thinking great I’ll have sex once per day whereas your partner may be saying no that’s too much let’s do twice per week. Either way you will need to have a conversation about it, agree, and be okay with setbacks or changes. For example, you and your partner may agree to have sex every Wednesday and Saturday. But if something comes up on Wednesday night, it’s okay to reschedule or skip that day. When you are recovering from a sex addiction this may feel very foreign but that’s really the end goal.
Now if you don’t have a partner, the goal is to learn how to be okay with not having sex and having a healthy masturbation routine. You have to ask yourself how many times per week is a healthy amount of time to masturbate. This should be something you think about in advance so after your 30 days of abstinence you have a very specific plan to follow. On average, depending on your age and health of course, a person masturbates 2-3 times per week. So maybe you start there; Monday, Wednesday, Friday, in my own private space without the use of porn or anything online. The goal is to have a healthy relationship with masturbation. Some people find this hard to do while others find it easier.
If you are finding it hard to masturbate on your own the best thing you can do is skip the session completely and wait until the next day. For example, if you plan to masturbate Monday night, you put your phone and computer away, and then cannot get erect, don’t force it. Give up and move onto to something else like watching TV or even sleep and then try again Wednesday night. This is you retraining your brain and this is the process of getting your brain back to its baseline. Eventually, you will be able to get a full erection and have an orgasm that isn’t dependent on a person, porn, or any sort of outside stimulation. Be patient with yourself as you work through this.
Okay so that’s it when it comes to sex addiction. In our next lecture we’re going to talk about porn addiction so if you are also addicted to porn please make sure you watch that lecture as well. See you there.
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